I hate myself

I can't concentrate on anything useful

so I solve sudoku after sudoku

to cheat that I am working oon my flaws

to make me feel I am actually doing something

Maybe I need medication

But I hate meds

I feel I am disappointing people I hate to disappoint, who don't deserve it

Did I mention that I am scared I may be pregnant

Did I mention I hate myself

I hate the components of life. truly. yours. whatever.

well, i'm still alive
but i needed that yesterday's shit to cry

still in the same groove

I was dancing today and ended up doing a bridge on my head

Source

And I remembered about the Salon-stroke syndrome or Golden Gate Syndrome.
So I may die in a few hours. Funny. Just in case I write this post.

After all "we all are gonna die"

So, just in case, my goodbye prayer:

Let the flowers lie down before my Parents feet
Let them feel light and comforted as they are so respectful for everybody
I know nobody who deserves beauty more than them
and their lives showed them so much opposite
So let them see the good days!

My Mom, such a heart! such a mind! such a creator!
My Dad, such an amazing weirdo! I love your original stubbornness! And your love for us!

My sister! God, bless that amazing mind and soul and hands that create!
Let her moon brother kiss her forehead from far away,
let her feel understood
let her find her niche
let her be fulfilled

My Brother! And his Girl! Let them be happy for ever!
Let their future adopted or own child be a precious jewel
Let them dwell on the comfort of knowing each other so well
Let them be comforted in it
Let my Brother feel his way
Let him be fulfilled and well

Grandmas, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins - I love you all!

My dear Friends, my soul-friends - I have so much for each of you in my heart!
I want you all to seek the Truth and feel at peace and well!

Probably I'll live but I needed to cry, badly, and I couldn't. So the Golden Gate came to me as help.

Goodbye, just in case...

high on sugar

Yesterday I met with Michal
Today I met with Pat
it was so much fun
bummer it ends once my dream fades

what about reality?

pension

When I was in elementary school, probably 12, I told one of my teachers:
I would like to be retired already. Then I will live the way I want.
She laughed at me:
You have your whole life ahead of you! Don't think about retiring! 

Now I am 27. And again I have this thought.